If you liked Twilight...

Then you and I aren’t going to get along with each other very well.

Sigh. I had the misfortune of seeing the Twilight movie the other day. Let’s start with how the movie was so fucking long! I came into the theatre clean-shaven, and came out with a 5’o clock shadow.

Here are other things I hated about the movie.

Let’s start with the main character, Bella.

She was so annoyingly stupid. She was dating a guy who admitted to her that there was an off-chance that he’d go totally berserk and try to slaughter and eat her.

Ohhhh! Isn’t it exciting! Isn’t it truly romantic that my boyfriend doesn’t try to eat me while all other boyfriends in the world try to eat their girlfriends? Oh wait.

If I was a mass murderer and I invited my girlfriend to see all the corpses I’ve kept inside my closet. Will she be swept of her feet because of the mere fact that she’s still breathing?

To sum it up She was in love with a guy who uses makeup(more on that later) and admitted to her that there’s an off chance that he’d eat her. Those alone make the movie shitty as hell.

Almost everything about Edward Cullen screamed homo. Make up? I can only imagine what he and his “vampire buddies” do on their free time.

I also don’t get why Edward would be interested in Bella other that his preference of biological fluids. It’s like me saying I’m in love with my pizza so much that I’m contented to just having to look at it. Dude, grow a pair. Just eat her already. End this travesty.

Some people thought the movie kinda got better towards the end. WRONG. For an hour and a half it was all about Edward and Bella’s “true love” and for the next half hour a random group of vampires comes out and tries to eat her. For a moment there, I thought the P170 I coughed out to see the movie would at least be worth it. Vampires trying to tear each other apart, cool right? WRONG AGAIN! The producers somehow managed to make violence boring. I never thought it was possible until then. Sigh. Kill me now.

After the movie i had the urge to kick vampire butt. So when I got home from the theatre I dug out my old Gameboy Advance and started playing Castlevania:. I figured it was the only way to forget that cinematic train-wreck that I just saw.